Yesterday afternoon I sat in a darkened theater enduring Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I - it was just me, my insatiable appetite for teen sex scenes, several lonely forty-year-old women and a large group of eight year old girls.
Yes, I know what your dying to ask me - does Twilight 4 deliver the sexy goods promised in the previews? Is there an adequate amount of man-hunk to keep me entertained for two whole hours?
Let me break it down for you.....
The film opens with an immediate delivery of teenage beefcake - Jacob (played by Taylor Lautner) tears off his shirt in a fit of emo-rage, charging through the rain, letting the moist droplets bathe his smooth, dewy chest, his manly muscles glowing and glistening...RAWR! He's ANGRY!
But the Twilight wedding is particularly awful. It takes place in a forest with a bunch of white shit all over the place - white flowers, or toilet paper, or something. The lucky guests get to sit on logs - how fucking quaint. Bella's father walks her down the aisle and gives her away to Edward, who stands there all pasty and smirky.
Now they can be together FOREVER. Good luck with that. I am curious to see how they will be "spicing things up" in say, 1,000 years from now.
For your viewing pleasure, here is the preview:
And after years of drawing out the sexual tension, the pivotal sex scene is heart-breakingly limp. Probably because they waited until after marriage. I sure hope those eight-year-olds were taking notes. Socially sanctioned sex sucks. Everyone knows it.
The one kiss scene in the first Twilight film left me breathless, while the multitude of makeout and "sex" scenes in this film left me bored, fidgety and pondering what kind of a snack I was going to fix myself when I got home.
I am not sure exactly what ruined it for me. The sex is just so....soppy, uninspired and lukewarm. Perhaps there could have been more vigorous thrusting? More creative sex positions? I dont know. I felt like I was watching a couple that is long since bored of fucking each other.
The one thing I find totally hilarious about the Twilight series is how serious it takes itself. Everything is so melodramatic and mopey. It gives me the giggles. But having said that, this is the one film we actually see Edward (the king of sulky) smile and laugh several times. Probably because he finally gets to bust a nut after all this time.
Anyhow, Bella gets pregnant on the honeymoon. It was an "unplanned" pregnancy, even though they did not use any birth control. And like every other idiot teenage boy on the planet, Edward's response to Bella's pregnancy is "I didn't even think it was possible!"
Then a bunch of other stuff happens, none of it worth writing about here.
Oh, but the worst part about the whole film is Bella's socks. After she is impregnated with vampire sperm, her fetus begins eating her from the inside out. In each scene leading up to the birth she looks progressively more horrifying- greasy hair, knobbly knees, chapped lips. This is where I began to get pissed off. In once scene she is wearing grey stretchy pants and ....wait for it.....MUSTARD COLORED SOCKS!!!!! I know, right?! Who the fuck wears mustard colored socks? I know she's supposed to be sick, but come on.
So to sum it all up, Twilight: Breaking Dawn offers plenty of shirtless boys and all of that, but it had me trying to answer the age old question - if a film has an abundance of man hunk, but you must wade through two hours of eye gazing, awkward dialogue and a wedding scene to see it, is it really worth it?
You be the judge.